You should know....

I had surgery almost a month ago. Did you know that? It's made me feel more crazy than ever. And made me cry more than ever. I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the past several weeks. Really they didn't find out anything that we didn't already know....I have endometriosis. SHOCK. Ok, so I did get a little sarcastic post-surgery about the comment, "We found endometriosis." Well, DUH! That's why I came in for surgery. The outlook for (biological) children is pretty bleak, the words "it would take a miracle from the Lord," is what was said. Also not something that shocked me. But it is different to assume things, than to be told them by a Dr. 

Before you start commenting about God doing miracles or that I don't have enough faith. (Yes, I have been told I don't have enough faith because I start to share what I've been told.) Please let me get to the second part of being told this. For some reason no one ever lets me get to this second, and by far the most important part.... While it is hard and extremely emotional to think about not being able to have children, I am ok. I know that I serve a mighty God, capable of healing me and/or choosing to allow me to have children. I also know that He is infinitely smarter than I am, and knows in the long run what I will need and  the best way for those things to happen. I am grateful that God gave me, at a very young age, the desire to adopt. I have always imagined having what I refer to as a "Rainbow Family," with children of multiple races and backgrounds. I have had several people that I trust, that know me and my heart say after praying for more than a year, that God may be intending for my family to only have adopted children. Let me tell you when someone tells you this, and its not just an acquaintance, but someone you love dearly, you can't help but go before God and surrender. 

However, surrendering does not mean that there is no longer pain. Surrender is entrusting God to care for your problems, and knowing that He will handle them far better than we could imagine. I know that I am young and single. This does not make my heart hurt any less or give me a reason to not be upset. (These things mean waiting more time, until I am married, while this disease takes over more of my body.) So please do not tell me that I should "get over it" or "don't worry about it." It's not that easy. So far I have done what I can, and that is giving it to God. Now is when I need friends and loved ones to understand that my heart is broken at the thought of not having biological children, but I know I can heal. This is a time of mourning, surrender and healing. 

I know that God is going to use this part of my life to bring glory to Himself and I pray that I will be sure to praise Him throughout this journey.