The title is a small list of things I am currently enjoying. They are also some of my most favorite things in the world. I have made some really cool friends lately. I have also been trying to make sure I listen to what I would call "beachy music" daily, it de-stresses me and makes me happy. It's only downside is that it makes me want to crawl into my bed, wrap up in the covers and watch lovey movies.
Last night in church I learned about Elijah's name. Elijah is Elohim and Yahweh together! How cool! Names absolutely fascinate me. If you look at my bible you will see names circled and highlighted. I even have post-its stuck in various places because I heard or saw a name in reading that I liked. I am almost obsessed with them.
I graduate in 3 semesters. And I'm telling everyone I know.
We're doing a study on the Mountains mentioned in scripture. Last night was about Mt. Carmel. (When I was little I thought that was where carmel came from) It was amazing to read 1 Kings 18 and see how God shows his power and can defeat evil in a swoop of fire.
That makes me so excited for the fall, Jon Weece (my pastor) is going to do a series on Revelations.
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The following scripture has been on my heart for a while now...
" And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to god because of all eh has done for you. let them be a living and holy sacrifice-- the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let god transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:1-2
Since moving to UK I have changed a lot, and for the better. I know that the way that I am focusing my thoughts and actions is more pleasing to God. By no means am I perfect, but I am striving to please God in the way I live in every area of my life. My sister realized somethings had changed while I was home, which to me was awesome!! I guess I have become much more aware of my clothing choices and how others could perceive my own actions. I don't want anything that I am doing, saying or wearing to be a distraction from my Lord. Instead I want all things that I say and do to point towards HIM!!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Half-Hearted Celebration
I just returned from the grand Tampa International Airport, I had to return Jill. By that I mean I had to put her on a plane to go back to Tulsa and her husband, who is now home for just a few days. I was excited for her....kinda. I wanted her to stay with me. I'm selfish, I like my "Jill and Julia" time. It was different this time, in a good way. She's married and pregnant, weird. Those things change a person, but she's even more beautiful in every way because she is so happy.
If you don't know Mrs. Jillian Casey, you my dear friend are missing out. She's one of my most favorite people that God has made.
We had a good time. We went to Disney and went out on a boat in the Gulf. We watched the sunset on the beach. We also just laid in bed and talked for hours, my dad lovingly refers to this as our "Giggle Time."
My daddy reminded me this morning that I have some super friends. I know that there are certain people that I would be welcome in their home at anytime, no matter what.
My daddy constantly reminds me that many people don't have the quality of friends that I do. And that it takes a long time to find true best friends, that you know will be there forever. I have a couple of those, and sometimes I don't fully appreciate them. I don't tell them I love them enough. I use the excuse that they live so far away (all of them live in a different state than I do). I don't want them to ever doubt that I love them, and I hope they know I would do almost anything they would ask me to do.
I also spent a lovely weekend in OHIO!! One of my other best friends, Erin, lives there. I miss her too, a lot. I feel like I was barely with her and her family at all. I wish that I still lived with her. We used to sleep out on our balcony during nice weather. We did it for more than 2 weeks straight once, it was awesome!! I miss that.
I'm pretty excited though. I like being home a lot. My mommy and daddy hug me tons, and my daddy tries to spoil me (as much as my mommy will let him).
I'm going to post pictures from Jill's trip here later, after I ask her permission. (I have to make sure that they can be posted without re-touching, she's a little crazy about stuff like that.)
I hope you have a lovely day.
If you don't know Mrs. Jillian Casey, you my dear friend are missing out. She's one of my most favorite people that God has made.
We had a good time. We went to Disney and went out on a boat in the Gulf. We watched the sunset on the beach. We also just laid in bed and talked for hours, my dad lovingly refers to this as our "Giggle Time."
My daddy reminded me this morning that I have some super friends. I know that there are certain people that I would be welcome in their home at anytime, no matter what.
My daddy constantly reminds me that many people don't have the quality of friends that I do. And that it takes a long time to find true best friends, that you know will be there forever. I have a couple of those, and sometimes I don't fully appreciate them. I don't tell them I love them enough. I use the excuse that they live so far away (all of them live in a different state than I do). I don't want them to ever doubt that I love them, and I hope they know I would do almost anything they would ask me to do.
I also spent a lovely weekend in OHIO!! One of my other best friends, Erin, lives there. I miss her too, a lot. I feel like I was barely with her and her family at all. I wish that I still lived with her. We used to sleep out on our balcony during nice weather. We did it for more than 2 weeks straight once, it was awesome!! I miss that.
I'm pretty excited though. I like being home a lot. My mommy and daddy hug me tons, and my daddy tries to spoil me (as much as my mommy will let him).
I'm going to post pictures from Jill's trip here later, after I ask her permission. (I have to make sure that they can be posted without re-touching, she's a little crazy about stuff like that.)
I hope you have a lovely day.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Surrender
Last night I spent most of my time at 608 (our church's college worship service) crying. God showed me something yesterday that has taken me all night and all day today to kind of understand and I am now somewhat coming to terms with it.
SO...What is this revelation? Well first of all let me catch you up... I am an old person at heart. I long more than almost anything else to be married and have children. Anyone that knows me well knows this. Since I was very very little (like 5ish) I have wanted to be married with children. This is probably scary to many boys, well at least my dad tells me it is. Anyways...Most of my friends are now either married, engaged, or having a child. It is weird to me. I am so happy for all of them, but at the same time my heart aches. I want that so bad. And I totally know that God has super amazing plans for me in that way that I cannot even dream of, but it still pangs my heart with jealousy sometimes.
But as I sat in 608 and they played a video where a mother talked about placing her daughter, who had been diagnosed with cancer, into God's hands and completely trusting what HIS will was for her. I bawled. Then as we sang Lead Me to The Cross it hit me. I have to give it over to God, like really give it to him and trust whatever he has in mind. Even if I have to wait for years, I have to totally surrender my wants, dreams and wishes for that part of my life to God. He is the one that is going to make it super amazing, so what is the point in me trying to hold on to it? SO from now on I am going to seek to give that to God daily seeing as it is a struggle for me, it was the part of me that I withheld from him for so long and the part I hold closest to my heart. It truly is the deepest desire of my heart. I know that if I give it to God he will give me the deepest desires of my heart.
Also, my dad told me tonight that I am intimidating. I am the last person on earth that I would consider intimidating. I told a few friends and they agreed. I am baffled by this.
SO...What is this revelation? Well first of all let me catch you up... I am an old person at heart. I long more than almost anything else to be married and have children. Anyone that knows me well knows this. Since I was very very little (like 5ish) I have wanted to be married with children. This is probably scary to many boys, well at least my dad tells me it is. Anyways...Most of my friends are now either married, engaged, or having a child. It is weird to me. I am so happy for all of them, but at the same time my heart aches. I want that so bad. And I totally know that God has super amazing plans for me in that way that I cannot even dream of, but it still pangs my heart with jealousy sometimes.
But as I sat in 608 and they played a video where a mother talked about placing her daughter, who had been diagnosed with cancer, into God's hands and completely trusting what HIS will was for her. I bawled. Then as we sang Lead Me to The Cross it hit me. I have to give it over to God, like really give it to him and trust whatever he has in mind. Even if I have to wait for years, I have to totally surrender my wants, dreams and wishes for that part of my life to God. He is the one that is going to make it super amazing, so what is the point in me trying to hold on to it? SO from now on I am going to seek to give that to God daily seeing as it is a struggle for me, it was the part of me that I withheld from him for so long and the part I hold closest to my heart. It truly is the deepest desire of my heart. I know that if I give it to God he will give me the deepest desires of my heart.
Also, my dad told me tonight that I am intimidating. I am the last person on earth that I would consider intimidating. I told a few friends and they agreed. I am baffled by this.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Realizations on Grid Paper
Today I realized I am a bitter person. I try so hard to convince myself that this bitterness is OK, but I know that it's not. I want it to be gone so bad. Honestly I am afraid for it to not be there.
Maybe not the fear of it's absence, but the fear of what must be done for it to leave. That is really what scares me more. There are some people that have hurt me in ways that I cannot express fully in words, and I know that I am bitter towards them. Some of these people are my brothers and sisters in Christ, which means I must forgive them, those who are not, I still must forgive and grant mercy so as to show God's mercy. I must not only forgive them, but tell them. That is the hard part. Some of them I don't want to talk to or see ever again. I know that there must be some sort of reconciliation, honestly I don't want to "be the bigger person." Not that I want to wallow in my own misery, but I don't want the offering of forgiveness, and the question to forgive me for harboring this bitterness, to be mistaken for a longing to have a relationship with these people again. I really struggle with this. I also am really struggling with the fact that some of these people are happy, and they have the things in life that I long most for. It kinda makes me a little angry and hurt. As terrible as this is (and I feel terrible for thinking and feeling this way sometimes) I often wish they weren't happy, that they were miserable and hurting because of the things that they are doing. I feel so childish when I think of that. At the same time I am glad they are happy, I want to feel good about their happiness, and I try to convince myself that I am. I know that God is working with me on this, but it is hard and very emotional.
I also have realized I'm growing up. I don't think I like it. I have a lot of really good friends that are going into the war, and my heart hurts about it. I wish that I could fully explain to these friends how proud I am of them.
I've been crying a lot lately. I figure it's cleansing my soul.
I've realized that I am divided and not giving everything to God. I realized it this morning when I was an hour and a half early for church because I set my clock forward AFTER it had already changed on its own.
This is the verse that made me realize it...
" Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.-----Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do." James 1: 6b and 8
Ouch, doesn't that stink. Everything I do when I am divided is not going to work.
I feel much more organized now that I have a grid-paper mini-notebook. I also feel like I can have these great AH HA!! moments and not forget them because I write everything in it. Most of this post was already written in it. I think the only paper that should exist is gridded.
Another AH HA! moment today is that I miss being completely open, emotional, and vulnerable. I honestly believe that God created me that way for a reason, who am I to suppress something that He gave as a gift, that is often so hard for so many other people. I hope that my openness will help someone else, maybe they will realize that I struggle as a Christian, and its OK, but that I do have a super awesome God that is helping me out and is fighting for me 24/7. So if you've been around me lately realize I am going to be more myself, emotions and all.
Maybe not the fear of it's absence, but the fear of what must be done for it to leave. That is really what scares me more. There are some people that have hurt me in ways that I cannot express fully in words, and I know that I am bitter towards them. Some of these people are my brothers and sisters in Christ, which means I must forgive them, those who are not, I still must forgive and grant mercy so as to show God's mercy. I must not only forgive them, but tell them. That is the hard part. Some of them I don't want to talk to or see ever again. I know that there must be some sort of reconciliation, honestly I don't want to "be the bigger person." Not that I want to wallow in my own misery, but I don't want the offering of forgiveness, and the question to forgive me for harboring this bitterness, to be mistaken for a longing to have a relationship with these people again. I really struggle with this. I also am really struggling with the fact that some of these people are happy, and they have the things in life that I long most for. It kinda makes me a little angry and hurt. As terrible as this is (and I feel terrible for thinking and feeling this way sometimes) I often wish they weren't happy, that they were miserable and hurting because of the things that they are doing. I feel so childish when I think of that. At the same time I am glad they are happy, I want to feel good about their happiness, and I try to convince myself that I am. I know that God is working with me on this, but it is hard and very emotional.
I also have realized I'm growing up. I don't think I like it. I have a lot of really good friends that are going into the war, and my heart hurts about it. I wish that I could fully explain to these friends how proud I am of them.
I've been crying a lot lately. I figure it's cleansing my soul.
I've realized that I am divided and not giving everything to God. I realized it this morning when I was an hour and a half early for church because I set my clock forward AFTER it had already changed on its own.
This is the verse that made me realize it...
" Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.-----Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do." James 1: 6b and 8
Ouch, doesn't that stink. Everything I do when I am divided is not going to work.
I feel much more organized now that I have a grid-paper mini-notebook. I also feel like I can have these great AH HA!! moments and not forget them because I write everything in it. Most of this post was already written in it. I think the only paper that should exist is gridded.
Another AH HA! moment today is that I miss being completely open, emotional, and vulnerable. I honestly believe that God created me that way for a reason, who am I to suppress something that He gave as a gift, that is often so hard for so many other people. I hope that my openness will help someone else, maybe they will realize that I struggle as a Christian, and its OK, but that I do have a super awesome God that is helping me out and is fighting for me 24/7. So if you've been around me lately realize I am going to be more myself, emotions and all.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Nap-Time
Today was supposed to be a day of great productivity. It was not. Instead I tried to make up some sleep. I slept for a good 2-3 hours. The quality of my sleep was good enough that I had several dreams.
I never really thought that God used dreams much anymore. But after mine today, I totally believe it. I do not remember much of my dream, I'm pretty sure that what I don't remember doesn't matter. What does matter is what I do remember.....
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In this dream I was talking to a dear friend, Brandon Irby, about what's going on in our lives. Pretty much the standard, 'I haven't seen you in a few years, what's going on? What are you doing with your life?'
I sat and listened as he told me about his life and the exciting things going on. Then I began to tell him what I was doing, what I want to do etc. And after a pause he asked, " Who are you doing all of that for? Is it for you and your glory? Or is it for God's glory?"
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WHOA!!! Well needless to say I was startled, so startled that I woke up. I've just been asking myself the same question over and over again. Am I doing everything for me or for God? Are my goals so that I get praise or so that God does?
I honestly hate the answer. No, not everything that I'm doing is for God's glory. I guess in some ways it is for glory that I want to do somethings, and other times it is to fulfill myself. I am not going to Christ to be filled, but often I look for it in what I'm doing, and how I'm "impacting" other people. And while I believe that God can use my selfish nature and actions for His own glory, I want so desperately to glorify Him in my actions, words and desires.
This is the scripture that I pray will become my true way of life...
"And whatever you do whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." --Colossians 3:17
I never really thought that God used dreams much anymore. But after mine today, I totally believe it. I do not remember much of my dream, I'm pretty sure that what I don't remember doesn't matter. What does matter is what I do remember.....
_______________________________________________________
In this dream I was talking to a dear friend, Brandon Irby, about what's going on in our lives. Pretty much the standard, 'I haven't seen you in a few years, what's going on? What are you doing with your life?'
I sat and listened as he told me about his life and the exciting things going on. Then I began to tell him what I was doing, what I want to do etc. And after a pause he asked, " Who are you doing all of that for? Is it for you and your glory? Or is it for God's glory?"
______________________________________________________
WHOA!!! Well needless to say I was startled, so startled that I woke up. I've just been asking myself the same question over and over again. Am I doing everything for me or for God? Are my goals so that I get praise or so that God does?
I honestly hate the answer. No, not everything that I'm doing is for God's glory. I guess in some ways it is for glory that I want to do somethings, and other times it is to fulfill myself. I am not going to Christ to be filled, but often I look for it in what I'm doing, and how I'm "impacting" other people. And while I believe that God can use my selfish nature and actions for His own glory, I want so desperately to glorify Him in my actions, words and desires.
This is the scripture that I pray will become my true way of life...
"And whatever you do whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." --Colossians 3:17
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Beloved
I feel like in the past few months I have written a lot about love. I feel like my entire life I have been searching for love, and so often looking in the wrong places. Even knowing that God is the only source of true love, my heart has wandered and while searching for love found pain.
Tonight while listening to "Beloved" by Tenth Ave. North, I had a break through. Well I guess it would be more accurate that God opened my eyes, and I could finally grasp in some way the way that He loves me.
My eye opening experience went right along with the worship tonight, just being in wonder of God's creation. I feel like when I'm walking around campus I am reminded of this so often. The most recent time was when it was snowing and the flakes were almost the size of quarters. I had to just stand and watch the mass of snow falling, and feeling consumed by a sense of awe and wonder that God created each snowflake, and each is different and He totally cares about each flake. And then that consumption grows when I realize He cares even more for me!!! WOW!! He thinks that I am beautiful, and that I am worth His ONLY SON!! So cool...
This learning process has also involved the more human side of love. My daddy has been such an amazing example of love, in his love for me, my sister, and of course my Mommy. (Yes I still call her mommy). I have often reflected on the story of Hosea and Gomer, and have sat in awe of the love and mercy that he gave to his adulteress wife. This was driven further into my heart when I read the book Redeeming Love. I often feel a connection between myself and Gomer and Angel. I am so thankful that God's love and mercy surpasses that which any person can give.
Kind of back to the thought of God's creation....
I am considering going to the Falls this Saturday. I love being there, especially during the winter. I am constantly amazed by God's creation. I completely understand why it says in
Romans 1:20 "For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God." I often wonder how people can see the mountains in California that have snow at the top throughout the year right next to the beach, volcanoes, snow, all animals, etc and don't believe in God. Even though I do not think in any scientific manner, I can't help but be amazed at God's creativity. If you look at one atom and the billions/trillions of little things that have to happen all with-in one milli-second, it is just so apparent to me that God made each little part.
Tonight while listening to "Beloved" by Tenth Ave. North, I had a break through. Well I guess it would be more accurate that God opened my eyes, and I could finally grasp in some way the way that He loves me.
My eye opening experience went right along with the worship tonight, just being in wonder of God's creation. I feel like when I'm walking around campus I am reminded of this so often. The most recent time was when it was snowing and the flakes were almost the size of quarters. I had to just stand and watch the mass of snow falling, and feeling consumed by a sense of awe and wonder that God created each snowflake, and each is different and He totally cares about each flake. And then that consumption grows when I realize He cares even more for me!!! WOW!! He thinks that I am beautiful, and that I am worth His ONLY SON!! So cool...
This learning process has also involved the more human side of love. My daddy has been such an amazing example of love, in his love for me, my sister, and of course my Mommy. (Yes I still call her mommy). I have often reflected on the story of Hosea and Gomer, and have sat in awe of the love and mercy that he gave to his adulteress wife. This was driven further into my heart when I read the book Redeeming Love. I often feel a connection between myself and Gomer and Angel. I am so thankful that God's love and mercy surpasses that which any person can give.
Kind of back to the thought of God's creation....
I am considering going to the Falls this Saturday. I love being there, especially during the winter. I am constantly amazed by God's creation. I completely understand why it says in
Romans 1:20 "For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God." I often wonder how people can see the mountains in California that have snow at the top throughout the year right next to the beach, volcanoes, snow, all animals, etc and don't believe in God. Even though I do not think in any scientific manner, I can't help but be amazed at God's creativity. If you look at one atom and the billions/trillions of little things that have to happen all with-in one milli-second, it is just so apparent to me that God made each little part.
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