My Daddy is AMAZING!!!

So I had a heart-to-heart with my father tonight. Let me tell you, my father shows me Jesus possibly more than any other person I know. For me I have been blessed to truly see the parallel between my earthly father and my heavenly Father. I had been withholding information from my earthly father for more than a year, and tonight when I told him instead of fear or any ounce of anger, my father responded in sorrow and compassion. Even though he is hundreds of miles away, he wrapped me up in his words. The best part was he said, "Julia, no matter what you do, or how many mistakes you make, I will always love you. My love for you is unconditional. I will always be on your side, no matter what."

I am blessed to have such a wonderful Daddy.

Also in my core group tonight we kind of just let out what was going on in our lives, and it was emotional and encouraging. So here's a paraphrase of what Laura (our leader) said tonight. (plus some of my thoughts)

Accountability isn't always calling each other out on our sins or just using words to encourage in our struggles. (While that is appropriate sometimes) It is also about holding one another, and saying "I'm here and I will hold your hand and go before the Throne of the Lord with you, even if you can't walk there yourself, I will help you." And then wrestling in prayer with and for that person.

Slap in the face

Today I went to a new church, while this will not be my new church home, God did take this opportunity to slap me in the face with some truth. Sometimes you try to deny things God is saying to you, but he finds just the way to hit your heart.

Today's message was about trust. Yep, I don't do that well. To be honest there are very few people in my life that I 100% trust without even a second thought. I know they will always be there and I never question that. I try to be an open book for every person I know, but I don't always trust people to have my interests/feelings/life in mind of their actions and words.

I know that God is there, and that He always has my best interest in mind. He wants to protect my heart, my mind, and every other part of me. He is a jealous God who want's my attention. I have not been giving Him that.

If I am going to ask others to keep me in mind I must not only think of them, but I need to have my heart, mind, and eyes set on Christ before I can effectively serve others.

You have to just go with the flow...

Since I was little I have been told that you have to be flexible and "just go with the flow." Well let me tell you the past week that statement has been my theme.

My great-grandmother died on Thursday morning. I knew that it was coming so I was not surprised. She was 94, and had lived an extremely active and bold life. She had Alzheimer's and was at the stage where she was almost a vegetable. So instead of mourning her death we were able to celebrate her life and the fact that she sits before the Lord now!!

Also on Thursday, I was supposed to fly to Oklahoma. I was so excited to get to see Ben, Jill and their family. Obviously due to my great-grandmother's death I was not able to go. I was and still am so blessed that Ben was understanding and supportive throughout the weekend.

That day was also the day that Jill, my bestest friend, gave birth to her beautiful daughter Emma Danielle Casey. This made my day just wonderful. And it was so great to know that Tyler was able to head home and see his beautiful little girl. Since pictures have started being put up I have been showing her to people every chance I get.

Also in trying to plan times to visit Ben and family holidays, plans changed more than 10 times in one weekend. Thankfully things are figured out now. Ben is coming to spend Thanksgiving with my family, and I will be out there for about 6 days before Christmas. I am counting down.

I am supposed to do 60+ hours of volunteer work this semester. The first place I tried to work with was a school. They never called me back. Then was the home for pregnant teens, which we figured out that they didn't want me around because I had swine flu. That's how they referred to me, " the girl that had swine flu." So now I'm going to be working at a nursing home. This should be fun.

Last night was my first volunteer night of the semester. I will be working at the Florence Crittenton Home. I'm pretty excited about it. For those of you familiar with the Hope Home in Owasso, it's like that. There are 8-10 girls there, some pregnant and some with their babies. Last night we gave them facials. I got to play with some beautiful babies too. But for most of the semester I will be mentoring one girl. I don't know who yet, but I can't wait!! When they saw my mentorship paperwork, they all went crazy saying ," Be mine, Pick me, I want a mentor." and so on. Most of them do not have a mentor. Hopefully we will be able to help find mentors for the rest of the girls.

Also I am finally caught up with homework. Now all I have to do is stay caught up.

Today is the UK vs. Alabama game. I'm pretty excited. No I'm not a good UK fan, I'm not out tail-gating. Oh well.

I am not tail-gating because I'm cleaning up my apartment. My sister is coming up for the night. We're going to my cousin's 10th birthday party.

Oh and I got my first birthday card yesterday. YAY for other people believing you should celebrate your birthday all month!!

This Sunday I am going to visit Immanuel Baptist Church. I'm pretty excited. It's not that I don't like Southland, but I need to have a Sunday School class or Small Group that meets on Sunday Mornings. Sunday mornings are the only free time that I have.

Rambling

3 weeks from today I will be in Owasso. I'm excited. I can't wait. In one weekend I will get to see my boyfriend, my best friend and their family. You can't get a much better weekend than that.

The weekend before I'm going with the College of Social Work to explore Chicago. I can't wait for that either. It's me, about 8 other girls and 1 or 2 guys. (That's generally the ratio in our classes too.) Chicago is the home of social work, and they have some pretty innovative practices around the city. I feel like we're very lucky to be able to go and explore with such a small group.

Tomorrow is my last day at Kroger. I'm really excited about it!! I unfortunately missed most of my 2 weeks, from turning my notice in, due to swine flu.

Oh and if you think swine flu isn't that bad...you my friend are very wrong. It's exhausting and I was a very lucky person to have my mommy come take care of me!

I've learned a lot the past few months, about myself, my major, and what I really want from life. I've been so blessed to have friends and family that have stood by me in the past year. Even through all of the changes they have been there.

If you don't know what I want to do with my life check out "Do Something." I want to do research and help develop curriculum for high schools and colleges teaching about dating abuse and healthy relationships.

Swine Flu

Yep, I've got it. It's incredibly stupid and icky. I am not allowed to leave my apartment until Monday, and that is the earliest. But the good thing is my mommy is here. She has re-arranged my furniture, cleaned my kitchen and wants to clean my carpets. Her theory is "I have to have something to do while you sleep!" I guess she's right. She's having fun and likes taking care of me, especially since she lived so far away last semester and all summer.

I am already very very behind in my classes. Thank you Swine Flu.

Changes

Well today after a long talk Ben and I decided that it would be better for me to fly into Tulsa, and he would meet me up there. We will then get to spend that weekend with his wonderful fam. I can't wait. I seriously almost can't stand it.

You know how sometimes people surprise you and the only reaction is crying. That was me tonight, Ben makes me cry like that a lot (it's all good cries, no worries). But sometimes when he makes a decision because he knows it will make me or someone else happier, I feel so gosh darn proud of him.

My sister will find out if she is going to be in a sorority tomorrow. (Alpha Sigma Alpha)

I guess I can say it now, I'm joining Phi Sigma Pi. It's a National Honors Fraternity (co-ed). It's exciting. It will look good on the resume.

Acceptance and Trips

So, I have accepted that soon I will be jobless. Due to my current job situation, I am unable to see my family. I also am finding it difficult to get my homework done or even semi-done. Eat healthy? Nope. Exercise? Nope. In general, it's a terrible situation. I like the work. But the amount of time they believe I should commit to it, ridiculous. So next week, I am quitting my job.

Also I am very excited to say that I will be seeing the great state of Oklahoma soon. It will be wonderful. I fly into Oklahoma City October 16th. I am saying that this trip is a birthday gift to myself. I'm really excited to get to see Ben. I miss him.

Also my father is turning 50 soon (the 28th). And I will be going to my parent's house for the weekend. YAY!!

My sister is Rushing this week. Yep, Sarah Stewart may soon be a sorority girl. She's hoping for Chi Omega.

Last week I started my classes. I am already overwhelmed by my classes, work, volunteering, etc.All of my classes are for Social Work stuff, and let me tell you...If you think Social Work is an "easy" major, you my dear friend are sadly misinformed. I have cried more in the past few days over the realization of what my life as a social worker will entail than I have cried in a long time. And the course load is ridiculous, I have NEVER read or written this much.

I am hoping that I will be able to just buck up and plow through this semester and get to the glorious senior year in the spring.

I'm starting "Finding Fish," for my Child Welfare Services class. This should be a good book, (see the movie Antwone Fisher)

I on Tues/Thurs there are like 10 people that I have all my classes with. There is this really cute and sweet couple that are in that group, they are having a baby. I can't imagine going through social work stuff and being pregnant. For her sake I'm glad she isn't taking Child Welfare Services.


While I can I'm going to be very blunt about what I'm feeling for Social Work. I know that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be right now. But my heart hurts knowing that I can't talk about anything I'm doing. I will need to find someone that I will be working with that I can decompress with. I think it's hard because when something happens at work or school right now, I talk to my Mom and/or Ben. Not telling them why I'm upset or feeling like I'm crazy will be difficult. Thank goodness they understand, and are there anyway.

On another note, it feels like mid-October right now. It is wonderful. I always feel so refreshed when it's crisp like this and I can wear sweaters. It makes me appreciate the way that God made places so different. When it's too hot or too cold I don't take the time to look at the amazing stuff He has made, but days like to day are just amazing.

On Tuesday nights there is a family from my church that opens their home to college students, they make us free dinner. I love this family. And as a person who appreciates a good meal and a family environment, full of hugs and love; I love Tuesday Night Dinners. They haven't been going on since July...Tonight is the first night back. I can't wait.

All summer I have been filling water balloons...Why you ask? The Christian Student Fellowship held the World's Largest Water Balloon Fight on Friday. It was insane!! We had 119,411 Balloons, and 3,902 people....that equals 2 Guinness World Records!! Because of it I got to talk to some of my classmates about Jesus.

http://www.ukcsf.org/

I have also gotten to tell some of them about why I am passionate about Dating Abuse and Violence. I try to be as positive as possible when I talk about my experiences and how they have changed my life and I am better for it. But when these people don't know our Jesus, they just can't understand how I can be ok with the things that happened.

BOO

sickness. stress. to-do list. work. very few hours of sleep.

yep all of those things are happening at the same time for me right now. oh and i forgot to mention classes start in a week and i have to buy my books that total to a whopping $660! But it's not my money so it's ok, it's not even Mom & Dad's money which is better.

I'm going to start painting my chairs tonight. I want them done before school. Or maybe not, painting is very theraputic for me. I'm not talented in artistic type painting ( i totally wish i was), but I can paint furniture and walls with the best.

I just filled out my Dance Blue application. I want to really help with it this year.

And I have realized I have to prioritize the things that I have to do, need to do, and want to do. Or not only will I not have a life, but I will die from exhaustion and panic attacks. No Bueno.

Blessings.

I just got home a little while ago from my trip to Owasso,OK & Springfield,TN. It was a wonderful trip. It was full of laughter, tears, and beautiful friends.

I got to spend more than 20 hours in a car with my sister. It was so much fun. Being away from her the past few months, I had forgotten how funny and quick she is. She makes me cry from laughing a lot. My sister is awesome, if you don't know her you are totally missing out. She is probably one of the most blunt and honest people I know. I wish more people were like that.

Jillian and I got to go shopping for clothes for Emma. It was so much fun. We also finished her registry at Target. I also got to sit and watch/feel Emma moving in her stomach. All I could think about was how creative God is. I mean babies can move around in your stomach before they're born, how cool!! It was also just great to see my best friend. I love her and miss her. She's one of those friends that I know if I need her she's there, no matter what.

I also got to spend some wonderful time with Ben. He has been such a blessing and encouragement to me. My sides are still hurting from where he would make me laugh so hard all week. We went and saw G.I. Joe. It was such a fun movie to see with him. It was almost more fun to watch him than watching the movie because he was so into it. We also had a lot of time to just hang out and talk, which was just as much fun. It continues to amaze me just how much he has changed in 5 years.

And I also got to spend some great time with Kirby, Rozie, and Kimmy. I love them all. They have all been such encouragements in my life. Unfortunately I didn't get to spend as much time with them as I would have liked to. (Mostly due to the fact that I was there while they all had to work). But I know the next time I am there I will get wonderful time with them!!

The night before and after our trip, I got to spend the night at my parent's new house. I had to use the GPS to get there, which was weird. I love the new house, it is very much my mother's dream house.

Toddlers and Tiaras

I am currently watching this horrific show. I am so angry with some of these parents. One of them has 5 girls and pretty much sits there and tells her twins that the older twin is the pretty one. She acts as if the only daughter that she has is the "pretty twin." It is ridiculous the things that these people are willing to put their children through.

I also had training today for PCWCP. It was rough. I hate looking at pictures of the terrible things that people do to children. My heart breaks.

Tomorrow I will be with my family. I can't wait.

In less than 48 hours I will be in Oklahoma. I am very excited!!

Giddy

Yep, I said it. Giddy. That's the way I'm feeling right now. It's a nice way to feel. In just a few minutes, I will go to work, and then training the next two days. Then on to Owasso..... :)

Earl, Spiderman, Just Because, and Purple.

This weekend I did all of our cake orders by myself. I was proud. I did a wedding cake for the first time, which was really cool. I also made 2 Spongebob cakes, a couple of flower cakes, and some "creative cupcakes." But the largest pain in my side was Spiderman. I have never held such terrible feelings for a character or a cake. But I never want to make that cake again.

Also you know how groceries have those cakes that they write "happy birthday" on for you? Well this guy came in yesterday, I assumed he was getting a birthday cake. I was wrong... He wanted me to write "Happy Anniversary Earl," for his partner. I know my face went red.

Today, another man made my day. He made happy for the rest of my shift. He came up and asked for me to help him find the cake with the most chocolate. So we found it, then I asked if he wanted anything written on it. He got so excited...and said , " Just Because." I looked puzzled so he proceeded to tell me that he knew his wife had just had a crazy weekend, and he wanted to surprise her, "just because." It was great. I wanted to tell him thank you for thinking of his wife, but I didn't want to be creepy.

Also, I swear this is the last thing about cakes...If you like purple and you like cake that's great. But would you please not ask for purple icing on your cakes. We have to hand mix it, and it's hard, and people are picky about their purples. Too hard, very stressful.

This weekend I am going to training for Social Work stuff.

Then right after the conference on Saturday I am driving straight to Nashville to spend the night at my parent's new house.

Sunday morning at about 6am my sister and I are leaving for Owasso!!!!!!!! I can't wait!!! I am so excited!! There are several people that I can't wait to see!!!!!!! Hopefully I will actually remember to take pictures and put them up.


Last night at 608 ( the college service at my church) our pastor, Jon Weece, finally told us what IT was. IT is Jesus. But the idea about IT is that our church needs to start over and find our passion, service, and purpose in Jesus Christ, not our selves or our programs that we offer. Our church is changing the mission statement, and is also planning to change the way that we use our people and other resources to show others the love of Jesus. I am so excited to see the great changes that occur. I will keep you updated.

11 DAYS LEFT!!!!

Do you have those people in your life that no matter what's going on just talking to them makes you happy, and makes you laugh so hard you might cry? Last night I laughed so hard at so many things that my stomach hurts today. I like that feeling.

I will be in Owasso in 11 days. I almost can't stand it. I try to be patient, but I am not good at just waiting for days to pass.

My sister and her boyfriend are coming over today. I'm excited to see them.

Also I'm getting a haircut. YAY!!! My friend Becky and I are going together this afternoon. I will try to remember to put up pictures so you can see.

I had a real heart to heart with my boss the other day. She has a son with severe brain damage. We talked about how sometimes Social Workers mess up things for kids with disabilities, because their parents have to work so hard to keep them safe and other people "call on them" because they don't know that you have to be a much stronger harder parent. I left the conversation excited that I got to share with her my passion for disabled children and my desire to help them and their families.

So I'm somewhat obsessed with cutting my hair. I love the feeling of having a new look. It is wonderful. So here are some pictures of what I'm thinking about doing...there are a lot of different things I want to try. I'd like a little input....

I only have16 days until I am in Oklahoma. I can't wait. I talked to my best friend today, I'm ready to see her and the rest of her family.

I'm excited I'm going to take myself on a date today. I'm going to see The Ugly Truth.

So I pretty much work in the ghetto. I decorate cakes. What does this mean?? It means that soon I will become proficient in spelling the truly unique names found in that area. My two favorites from this weekend.... LaQuandra and Diont`e.

I like my job. A lot, you should be jealous.

I will be in Oklahoma in 3 weeks. YAY!

So this week I'm starting to work on some gifts for all of my friends that are pregnant. I have had at least 10 friends get married in the past year, and 7 or 8 that are pregnant. There is something in the water. I'm excited to be making these super cool gifts for them.

New Things...

My new job is wonderful. I have already learned so much. But most of what I've learned has nothing to do with baking at all. The store that I work at is not in the best neighborhood. And most of the people I work with can walk from home to work, and many of them do. In the conversations that I have had with them I have learned that many of them often cannot afford to feed themselves or their children. Many are also in great need of furniture for their children. It breaks my heart.

One thing that I have learned though is that I am so incredibly lucky. Those things are not something that I often worry about. I know that if I was in need of anything, my family would help me out. These people cannot say that about their families.

I am also learning a great deal of patience and that things don't always have to be ultra perfect.

As far as baking goes though, I think I would really like to really bake. Like I'm going to be learning to make wedding cakes and such, I can't wait!!

I also found out today that I have been accepted in to the PCWCP, which is a program where the Commonwealth of Kentucky pays my tuition and then I work for them for 2 years in Child Welfare. This is exciting, and a confirmation about where I am and what I'm doing.

My parents are FINALLY in Tennessee, and I can't wait to go see their new house. They apparently have several deer that almost walk up to the house.

I have 23 days until I'm in OWASSO!! I can't wait!!

And the Countdown Begins....

In 27 days I will be in Owasso!!!!!!!! I am anxiously counting the down the days. I miss my family there.

My sister and I are driving out there which is going to be great sister time before she goes to college.

I got a job at Kroger in the Deli/Bakery. My goal is to be decorating cakes by the end of the school year.

Sometime this month I find out if I got in to the program to pay my tuition. I have mixed feelings either way, which I don't think is good. It may be that I just have a hard time making such a big commitment to stay in one place for that long (2 yrs after graduation).

But in all other areas of my life I am at peace. It's a nice feeling. I wish I could explain in writing to you how just happy and calm I feel.

My parents closed on their new house in Tennessee!!!! So my parents officially live 3 hours away from me!!

I went to the Wilmore town yard sale Saturday. It was a wonderful day with many interesting finds.

I'm hoping to put up a post of just pictures from my crafty projects, there are a lot of picture collages.

Sweet Summer

I got to spend some good time with the fam. this weekend. I'm going to be helping my cousin Carolyn renovate this house that my uncle is renting to her. It's going to be so fun!!

I have an interview tomorrow for a bakery position in a grocery! I'll let you know how it goes.

I find out this month if I got into that program that pays my tuition.

I am also continuing in my exploring of Lexington, tomorrow before the big interview I'm going to this amazing store that calls to me everytime I drive by. Everytime that I've pulled in it's been closed. They have crazy stuff in the windows, I hope that I haven't built it up too much in my mind. But don't worry I will take pictures and share if it is really all I imagine it to be.

My apartment looks like it's been hit by an F-5 tornado. And I have a friend staying here tomorrow night, but I'm putting off cleaning by writing this.

In exactly one month I will be at Jill's!! YAY!! My sister and I are driving from my parent's house in Nashville to Owasso. I can't wait. It will be some fabulous sister time, as well as some great time with "family."

Speaking of family...Mine is leaving Florida next Sunday morning!! They will finally be 3 hours from me! I miss them like crazy!

Tonight at church we sang "Hosanna" which is one of my favorite songs. It always makes me think about how our world would be different if our hearts as Christians broke for the same things that break the Lord's heart.

Rainbow Cake, Rain Storms and Coffee

In the past week I have gotten to do some pretty awesome stuff. Last Thursday at our college Bible Study I met a girl that I will admit I have a friend-crush on. I'm supposed to hang out with her next weekend. I won't lie I'm super excited about it.

I also have been looking for a second job. I think I may have found one...I'm trying not to get my hopes up. But if I do get the job, you will hear about it.

My best-friend Erin came to visit from Ohio this past weekend. It was great to get to see her after several months of not being together. We went and saw the Castle. She will never again make fun of her mother and I thinking that it's amazing.

I have also put together my little "bistro set" for my balcony. It was so hard. The box said that it would only take 1-1.5 hours to complete the entire thing. I ended up taking more than 3 hours to put it together. Unlike many people, I read the directions. Let me tell you this set had bad directions.

I also made a Rainbow Cake. It was AMAZING!! I actually made it with the help of my friend Becky's daughter Annabelle. I picked her up from soccer camp and we came home to make the cake as a surprise for her family. Her brother is allergic to dairy and eggs, so he can't have most cakes. But he was able to eat this one with no problems. (I made lactose free icing) I'm making him another cake for his birthday next week.

You know how there are those certain people that you always count on seeing at certain places. Well one of my friends here is one of those. He is a fabulous hugger, I truly believe he could be in the Waldron family. Yeah that's really the kind of hugs I'm talking about. (If you have never been hugged by a Waldron family member, find one and hug them...It's amazing.) So anyway my friend, Tim, is a great hugger, but is somewhat agressive. These girls in our group sometimes play a little game called "Escape the Tim-Hug." Basically they try to be in the same place as Tim without getting hugged. They told him about their game at dinner on Tuesday night, we all laughed so hard we almost cried. My mother thought that it was terribly mean.

I have been consuming a large amount of coffee lately. I realized tonight I have a correlation between rain and coffee. The more it rains the more I want.

Exploring What I Like.

So I have decided to explore me, and what I like to do. I want to find out what exactly it is that I can do and have fun doing. For so many years I have followed the people around me, and become "interested" in what they are doing. So since I have just a few friends here in Lexington, and a lot of extra time on my hands... I am exploring me.

I have made a list of things I would like to do this summer; including Lexington sites and attractions, classes, and a lot of other stuff. I'm pretty excited about it.

This is also super scary. For the first time in a long long time, I am going to go do and try things just because I want to. I don't remember the last time I did that.

I will keep you updated on my adventures. I am going to try to take pictures of everything.

I Will Overcome

It seems to me that God truly blesses songwriters. There are many times that I have felt completely one with a song that I hear/sing in church. There are many that actually just bring me to absolute brokenness no matter what I am dealing with at that time. Sometimes when I am dealing with feelings that I just can't express I feel like I need to find a song to encompass them. In the past few months I have been looking for that song, but I hadn't been able to find one. Until today.... Thanks to an old friend I ran across this Charlie Hall song. ( I will overcome) It has been a favorite of mine for many years.

Take some time and meditate on the words of this song. I hope that you are able to find peace and know that in Christ we are able to overcome all that we will endure in this life.


I Will Overcome----Charlie Hall

And I can see that my hands are trembling, I can see that my legs are weak
I can see that my head is spinning, but I will overcome
And I know that my heart is hurting, And I know that my soul it aches
And I know that it seems I'm failing, but I will overcome, yeah

Chorus:
O Lord I'm strong in You, O Lord I am wise in You
O Lord I can see in You, so I will overcome
O Lord I'm loved by You, O Lord I am free in you
O Lord I'm complete in You
So I will overcome, I will overcome, I will overcome

Bridge:
God listen to me shout, I'm so far from anywhere and I'm calling out
Lead me, lead me to the rock that is higher than I
You're my breath, You're my breath, You're my very life
Infinite, Holy King meets weak and frail Christ in me
And I will overcome not by my strength but by Your grace and love

Wide Range

Well today I went into work at 5:30am. I like being up early, so I'm doing it again tomorrow. It makes me feel really good about lunchtime because I've already gotten so much done.

I went to campus at like 7:30, I studied and enjoyed the beautiful empty campus. There was a
slight mist and birds were chirping, it was great.

If you didn't know I just finished applying for PCWCP (Public Child Welfare Certification Program). This program (if I'm accepted) will pay for my tuition for the last 3 semesters. After graduation I would then accept a job, for at least 2 years, with the Commonwealth of Kentucky specifically the Child Welfare department. I will find out if I got in sometime in July.

I have also just moved into an apartment. I got to spend a great few days with my mom while we unpacked and got things together in the apartment.

My baby sister graduates next week. I will be flying to Florida on the morning of graduation. I miss my sister, a lot. We have a date planned for Saturday night. We always do a movie and Chinese food, this time we're seeing Wolverine. (We both love Hugh Jackman.)

So I was sitting there in class today I wanted to scream. There is a girl who likes to show off and take things too far. She also tells our Professor what to do all the time, and it throws him off to the point that he doesn't know what to do. And the guy next to me creeps me out, like big time. He leans out of his chair sometimes to watch what I'm doing (if I'm not paying attention). Then the rest of the time he sits there doing very very inappropriate things. Unfortunately I can't change seats.

Positives about that class....I got an 83 on our Mid-Term!! I was in the top 5 of our class!! I almost cried, that test was crazy hard!

In addition to going home next week, I'm going to go see Jill in August. And try to see Erin at some point this summer.

Next summer I don't have to take classes!! I would like to travel. I think I'm going to save all year so I can do that.

Living in the "Whatever"

I have decided that I am going to try my best to live in the "whatever."

What does that mean you ask? I want to trust God with what is going on in my life, not stress about it, just know that whatever happens He is completely in control. God knows what is best for me and He knows my passions, desires, hopes, and dreams better than even I do. (Which is so cool.) I can spend my time doing so many other things for God, but when I worry about things, it is as if I am saying to Him that I don't trust Him with whatever that happens to be. I do not want to be that person. I know He loves and wants the best and will provide, I just have to take that step and trust Him.

Currently that means trusting Him with my PCWCP interview (Public Child Welfare Certification Program). It's kind of a big deal. I know that if I get accepted or even if I don't God has big plans for me. That's exciting.

Also I have a wonderful new job. I work for a catering company. I look forward to going to work, which is more than I can say for most of the people that I know. I know that when I go to work I will be encouraged in Christ, because everyone that I work with loves the Lord. How cool is that!!!

My mommy is coming next Friday, I can't wait. I miss her really bad, I don't like her being so far away. I miss my sister and daddy very much too. I can't wait for them to be in Nashville!!

Tonight at CSF I had one of those , "oh geeze" moments. I realized that I was one of those people that says, "I'll pray for you." Then I don't do it. I don't want to be one of those people. Please hold me accountable to this.

WHOA!!!

There are some days that I feel like "WHOA" cannot even describe the things that God is doing. Today is on of those days. He has been moving in a BIG way in me and through me. There is so much that I wish I could tell you about on here, but it would take hours for me to try to think of the words, even then I wouldn't be doing God justice. (But if you would like to talk about some of it, let me know, I'd love to share it with you.) Trust me He is moving in some pretty huge ways on the UK campus right now. I feel so blessed to be a part of that.

The group that I wrote about a long time ago, is beginning to materialize. Even now just a few weeks in, there are throngs of people that want to be involved and/or being touched by what we want to do. Most of those that I have talked to about it, don't know Christ!! How exciting to get to use something so tangible to reach people for Christ.

With that said, GLORY BE TO GOD!!! I pray that as I continue in this mission field, that I give the glory solely to Christ, because the words and the love for these people comes from HIM!! I in my sinful terrible nature do not have the capacity to love these people like Jesus, but through Christ I pray that they see Him in me through my words and actions, and that my life would be a testament to HIS GRACE, MERCY, and LOVE!!

Coffee, Beach Music, Open Windows, New Friends

The title is a small list of things I am currently enjoying. They are also some of my most favorite things in the world. I have made some really cool friends lately. I have also been trying to make sure I listen to what I would call "beachy music" daily, it de-stresses me and makes me happy. It's only downside is that it makes me want to crawl into my bed, wrap up in the covers and watch lovey movies.

Last night in church I learned about Elijah's name. Elijah is Elohim and Yahweh together! How cool! Names absolutely fascinate me. If you look at my bible you will see names circled and highlighted. I even have post-its stuck in various places because I heard or saw a name in reading that I liked. I am almost obsessed with them.

I graduate in 3 semesters. And I'm telling everyone I know.

We're doing a study on the Mountains mentioned in scripture. Last night was about Mt. Carmel. (When I was little I thought that was where carmel came from) It was amazing to read 1 Kings 18 and see how God shows his power and can defeat evil in a swoop of fire.

That makes me so excited for the fall, Jon Weece (my pastor) is going to do a series on Revelations.

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The following scripture has been on my heart for a while now...

" And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to god because of all eh has done for you. let them be a living and holy sacrifice-- the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let god transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:1-2

Since moving to UK I have changed a lot, and for the better. I know that the way that I am focusing my thoughts and actions is more pleasing to God. By no means am I perfect, but I am striving to please God in the way I live in every area of my life. My sister realized somethings had changed while I was home, which to me was awesome!! I guess I have become much more aware of my clothing choices and how others could perceive my own actions. I don't want anything that I am doing, saying or wearing to be a distraction from my Lord. Instead I want all things that I say and do to point towards HIM!!

Half-Hearted Celebration

I just returned from the grand Tampa International Airport, I had to return Jill. By that I mean I had to put her on a plane to go back to Tulsa and her husband, who is now home for just a few days. I was excited for her....kinda. I wanted her to stay with me. I'm selfish, I like my "Jill and Julia" time. It was different this time, in a good way. She's married and pregnant, weird. Those things change a person, but she's even more beautiful in every way because she is so happy.

If you don't know Mrs. Jillian Casey, you my dear friend are missing out. She's one of my most favorite people that God has made.

We had a good time. We went to Disney and went out on a boat in the Gulf. We watched the sunset on the beach. We also just laid in bed and talked for hours, my dad lovingly refers to this as our "Giggle Time."

My daddy reminded me this morning that I have some super friends. I know that there are certain people that I would be welcome in their home at anytime, no matter what.

My daddy constantly reminds me that many people don't have the quality of friends that I do. And that it takes a long time to find true best friends, that you know will be there forever. I have a couple of those, and sometimes I don't fully appreciate them. I don't tell them I love them enough. I use the excuse that they live so far away (all of them live in a different state than I do). I don't want them to ever doubt that I love them, and I hope they know I would do almost anything they would ask me to do.

I also spent a lovely weekend in OHIO!! One of my other best friends, Erin, lives there. I miss her too, a lot. I feel like I was barely with her and her family at all. I wish that I still lived with her. We used to sleep out on our balcony during nice weather. We did it for more than 2 weeks straight once, it was awesome!! I miss that.

I'm pretty excited though. I like being home a lot. My mommy and daddy hug me tons, and my daddy tries to spoil me (as much as my mommy will let him).

I'm going to post pictures from Jill's trip here later, after I ask her permission. (I have to make sure that they can be posted without re-touching, she's a little crazy about stuff like that.)

I hope you have a lovely day.

Surrender

Last night I spent most of my time at 608 (our church's college worship service) crying. God showed me something yesterday that has taken me all night and all day today to kind of understand and I am now somewhat coming to terms with it.

SO...What is this revelation? Well first of all let me catch you up... I am an old person at heart. I long more than almost anything else to be married and have children. Anyone that knows me well knows this. Since I was very very little (like 5ish) I have wanted to be married with children. This is probably scary to many boys, well at least my dad tells me it is. Anyways...Most of my friends are now either married, engaged, or having a child. It is weird to me. I am so happy for all of them, but at the same time my heart aches. I want that so bad. And I totally know that God has super amazing plans for me in that way that I cannot even dream of, but it still pangs my heart with jealousy sometimes.

But as I sat in 608 and they played a video where a mother talked about placing her daughter, who had been diagnosed with cancer, into God's hands and completely trusting what HIS will was for her. I bawled. Then as we sang Lead Me to The Cross it hit me. I have to give it over to God, like really give it to him and trust whatever he has in mind. Even if I have to wait for years, I have to totally surrender my wants, dreams and wishes for that part of my life to God. He is the one that is going to make it super amazing, so what is the point in me trying to hold on to it? SO from now on I am going to seek to give that to God daily seeing as it is a struggle for me, it was the part of me that I withheld from him for so long and the part I hold closest to my heart. It truly is the deepest desire of my heart. I know that if I give it to God he will give me the deepest desires of my heart.

Also, my dad told me tonight that I am intimidating. I am the last person on earth that I would consider intimidating. I told a few friends and they agreed. I am baffled by this.

Realizations on Grid Paper

Today I realized I am a bitter person. I try so hard to convince myself that this bitterness is OK, but I know that it's not. I want it to be gone so bad. Honestly I am afraid for it to not be there.
Maybe not the fear of it's absence, but the fear of what must be done for it to leave. That is really what scares me more. There are some people that have hurt me in ways that I cannot express fully in words, and I know that I am bitter towards them. Some of these people are my brothers and sisters in Christ, which means I must forgive them, those who are not, I still must forgive and grant mercy so as to show God's mercy. I must not only forgive them, but tell them. That is the hard part. Some of them I don't want to talk to or see ever again. I know that there must be some sort of reconciliation, honestly I don't want to "be the bigger person." Not that I want to wallow in my own misery, but I don't want the offering of forgiveness, and the question to forgive me for harboring this bitterness, to be mistaken for a longing to have a relationship with these people again. I really struggle with this. I also am really struggling with the fact that some of these people are happy, and they have the things in life that I long most for. It kinda makes me a little angry and hurt. As terrible as this is (and I feel terrible for thinking and feeling this way sometimes) I often wish they weren't happy, that they were miserable and hurting because of the things that they are doing. I feel so childish when I think of that. At the same time I am glad they are happy, I want to feel good about their happiness, and I try to convince myself that I am. I know that God is working with me on this, but it is hard and very emotional.

I also have realized I'm growing up. I don't think I like it. I have a lot of really good friends that are going into the war, and my heart hurts about it. I wish that I could fully explain to these friends how proud I am of them.

I've been crying a lot lately. I figure it's cleansing my soul.

I've realized that I am divided and not giving everything to God. I realized it this morning when I was an hour and a half early for church because I set my clock forward AFTER it had already changed on its own.
This is the verse that made me realize it...
" Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.-----Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do." James 1: 6b and 8

Ouch, doesn't that stink. Everything I do when I am divided is not going to work.

I feel much more organized now that I have a grid-paper mini-notebook. I also feel like I can have these great AH HA!! moments and not forget them because I write everything in it. Most of this post was already written in it. I think the only paper that should exist is gridded.

Another AH HA! moment today is that I miss being completely open, emotional, and vulnerable. I honestly believe that God created me that way for a reason, who am I to suppress something that He gave as a gift, that is often so hard for so many other people. I hope that my openness will help someone else, maybe they will realize that I struggle as a Christian, and its OK, but that I do have a super awesome God that is helping me out and is fighting for me 24/7. So if you've been around me lately realize I am going to be more myself, emotions and all.

Nap-Time

Today was supposed to be a day of great productivity. It was not. Instead I tried to make up some sleep. I slept for a good 2-3 hours. The quality of my sleep was good enough that I had several dreams.

I never really thought that God used dreams much anymore. But after mine today, I totally believe it. I do not remember much of my dream, I'm pretty sure that what I don't remember doesn't matter. What does matter is what I do remember.....
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In this dream I was talking to a dear friend, Brandon Irby, about what's going on in our lives. Pretty much the standard, 'I haven't seen you in a few years, what's going on? What are you doing with your life?'

I sat and listened as he told me about his life and the exciting things going on. Then I began to tell him what I was doing, what I want to do etc. And after a pause he asked, " Who are you doing all of that for? Is it for you and your glory? Or is it for God's glory?"
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WHOA!!! Well needless to say I was startled, so startled that I woke up. I've just been asking myself the same question over and over again. Am I doing everything for me or for God? Are my goals so that I get praise or so that God does?

I honestly hate the answer. No, not everything that I'm doing is for God's glory. I guess in some ways it is for glory that I want to do somethings, and other times it is to fulfill myself. I am not going to Christ to be filled, but often I look for it in what I'm doing, and how I'm "impacting" other people. And while I believe that God can use my selfish nature and actions for His own glory, I want so desperately to glorify Him in my actions, words and desires.

This is the scripture that I pray will become my true way of life...
"And whatever you do whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." --Colossians 3:17

Beloved

I feel like in the past few months I have written a lot about love. I feel like my entire life I have been searching for love, and so often looking in the wrong places. Even knowing that God is the only source of true love, my heart has wandered and while searching for love found pain.

Tonight while listening to "Beloved" by Tenth Ave. North, I had a break through. Well I guess it would be more accurate that God opened my eyes, and I could finally grasp in some way the way that He loves me.

My eye opening experience went right along with the worship tonight, just being in wonder of God's creation. I feel like when I'm walking around campus I am reminded of this so often. The most recent time was when it was snowing and the flakes were almost the size of quarters. I had to just stand and watch the mass of snow falling, and feeling consumed by a sense of awe and wonder that God created each snowflake, and each is different and He totally cares about each flake. And then that consumption grows when I realize He cares even more for me!!! WOW!! He thinks that I am beautiful, and that I am worth His ONLY SON!! So cool...

This learning process has also involved the more human side of love. My daddy has been such an amazing example of love, in his love for me, my sister, and of course my Mommy. (Yes I still call her mommy). I have often reflected on the story of Hosea and Gomer, and have sat in awe of the love and mercy that he gave to his adulteress wife. This was driven further into my heart when I read the book Redeeming Love. I often feel a connection between myself and Gomer and Angel. I am so thankful that God's love and mercy surpasses that which any person can give.

Kind of back to the thought of God's creation....
I am considering going to the Falls this Saturday. I love being there, especially during the winter. I am constantly amazed by God's creation. I completely understand why it says in
Romans 1:20 "For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God." I often wonder how people can see the mountains in California that have snow at the top throughout the year right next to the beach, volcanoes, snow, all animals, etc and don't believe in God. Even though I do not think in any scientific manner, I can't help but be amazed at God's creativity. If you look at one atom and the billions/trillions of little things that have to happen all with-in one milli-second, it is just so apparent to me that God made each little part.

I'm sorry it's such a long post....

In the past few weeks there have been so many exciting things to happen. There has been so much that I am overwhelmed. So here's what's going on:

My church is amazing. The people, the music, the pastor. All amazing. My pastor is an incredibly humble man, that I am looking forward being under his pastoral leadership for the next few years. Since starting to go to Southland, I feel like all I can do is go ahead and get on my face, because the message is going to really make me have to lay down everything. Which at this point, is what I needed. I was very much on a "I can do it on my own" kinda thinking path. Not good. But I have been so encouraged and challenged.

My bible study for this time of Lent is "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. I have decided that Beth Moore, Leslie Ludy, Emily Ryan and I would all be BFFs for real. I feel strangely close to them, and I have never met any of them. They're all super awesome women that love Jesus in a way that fascinates me.I have a strange longing to sit at Common Grounds here in Lex. and chat with them. I also have a friend from church who has "adopted" me so to speak, she's amazing, and we're hanging out this week which makes me happy.

Common Grounds in itself is a blessing. It is my escape place. This wonderful coffee house is in and old building with bright colors, low lights, happy music, and great organic coffee. I would love to sit on their couches and take a nice long nap.

For some reason I can't think of naps without thinking of Shannon and Jill. I think of Shannon because she slept through most of our Algebra class and pretty much everywhere, I think this still happens.

Jill however is a more exciting reason. She's PREGNANT!!!! I'm super excited!! When she told me I literally screamed and did a little happy dance. I am going to spoil that child every chance I get.

Last night two of my friends came down to my room and we played Scattergories. I would love to play with you, but I warn you I'm pretty good.

Spring Break is coming soon. I'm going home!! I can't wait. I miss my mommy and daddy and sister really bad. Jill is coming to see me! It will be a wonderful week.

Early Morning Pancakes

This morning I was moving around a lot earlier than normal, 6am to be exact. Today is the wonderful day of free pancakes at IHOP!!! So at 6:35 am I walked outside in the fridged air with two dear friends. We went to eat our 3 pancakes (we were filmed eating them by 2 different news stations), listened to somewhat sappy music in the car, and laughed a lot. It was a wonderful morning, and all of this happened before 8am!!!

I ate my pancakes.... And I made a donation.....

I was sitting in my Jewish Thought and Culture class, as I was trying to stay awake, when I realized that I have done something terrible. Today I woke up and was thrilled to, because I was getting "free food" and spending time with some super sweet ladies that I love (which is the real reason for going). But I tell myself so often that "I want to get up early and spend some time with Jesus." But when morning comes with the sound of an alarm, I hit the snooze button. I am willing to go walk outside in nasty cold weather for some pancakes and friends, but I'm not willing to spare even a half hour of my sleep to spend time with Jesus!?! Craziness. My heart hurts at the thought of the pain that this is causing my Lord.

Which brings me to the next season, Lent. For the past 3 or 4 years I have practiced this season of Lent. This year I have decided that this year I want to make changes, big changes. I want you to PLEASE hold me accountable to these changes, ask me about them, or better yet... JOIN ME!!

I want to work out at least 3 times a week. I also want to spend time DAILY with Jesus, not only in studying the word, but in prayer as well. I have realized that I do not take care of myself in the ways that I feel would be honoring to God. I damage my body daily, physically, mentally, and emotionally. As I told a dear friend of mine recently, I wnat ot make sure to protect my heart, mind, and emotions, which I so often let just wander free through my life. I want to keep these parts of me in check in such a way that I am honoring God. My prayer is that somehow through my words and interactions with others, they will be able to tell that there is something that's different about me.

I also want to challenge you, in this season of Lent, take time to examine your own life. Look for ways to improve it, even if it's just buying a planner and getting organized!! But in whatever you do take this time to reflect on what this season means...it is the preparation for the season of Easter, so remember what Christ did for you and how that has changed your life. He is able still everyday to change us, and I am so thankful for that. I know that daily I struggle with letting Christ have control, but the days that I do, they are glorious and that glory goes straight to God!!

1 Peter 4:11

11If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Something New

Well this blog comes at a time of "newness" for me. I am at a new school, new church, new friends, new job, and as of today a new ministry. Please allow me a little time to figure this whole blogging thing out, seeing as I am technologically challenged.

I so often feel like I need to share the exciting things that are happening in my life because God is doing some cool things, and I think people should know.

Right now, I'm studying Social Work, which makes me really happy. I see so many ways that I am going to be able to use what I'm learning later on in my career. I feel like I am learning so many things, not necessarily in my classes, but in everything that I'm doing with church and friends. I feel so blessed by my church, the people that I have met there are constantly challenging me to seek after God and to make sure that I am listening to HIS guidance and not my own. Also I have a nanny job, which has been great so far! I'm very excited about the family that I work for, they are wonderful Christian people.

But by far, the most exciting part of the day has been finding out that there is someone else that wants to help me start a ministry at UK!! I have felt God leading me to start a program that reaches out and not only informs about the problems with dating abuse and violence, but also helps those that have been the victims. I really thought for a long time that God was calling me to start this after college, but in the past 3 weeks I have felt this extremely strong tug on my heart for those that are dealing with this issue at UK. I know that at a school this big there are men and women that are hurting and wondering if there is anyone else that knows how they feel. I want to reach out to them and love them, show them through love and actions that someone else not only cares but knows exactly what they are going through. I ask that you be praying for this ministry, and that it will be able to show God's amazing redeeming love!!