Realizations on Grid Paper

Today I realized I am a bitter person. I try so hard to convince myself that this bitterness is OK, but I know that it's not. I want it to be gone so bad. Honestly I am afraid for it to not be there.
Maybe not the fear of it's absence, but the fear of what must be done for it to leave. That is really what scares me more. There are some people that have hurt me in ways that I cannot express fully in words, and I know that I am bitter towards them. Some of these people are my brothers and sisters in Christ, which means I must forgive them, those who are not, I still must forgive and grant mercy so as to show God's mercy. I must not only forgive them, but tell them. That is the hard part. Some of them I don't want to talk to or see ever again. I know that there must be some sort of reconciliation, honestly I don't want to "be the bigger person." Not that I want to wallow in my own misery, but I don't want the offering of forgiveness, and the question to forgive me for harboring this bitterness, to be mistaken for a longing to have a relationship with these people again. I really struggle with this. I also am really struggling with the fact that some of these people are happy, and they have the things in life that I long most for. It kinda makes me a little angry and hurt. As terrible as this is (and I feel terrible for thinking and feeling this way sometimes) I often wish they weren't happy, that they were miserable and hurting because of the things that they are doing. I feel so childish when I think of that. At the same time I am glad they are happy, I want to feel good about their happiness, and I try to convince myself that I am. I know that God is working with me on this, but it is hard and very emotional.

I also have realized I'm growing up. I don't think I like it. I have a lot of really good friends that are going into the war, and my heart hurts about it. I wish that I could fully explain to these friends how proud I am of them.

I've been crying a lot lately. I figure it's cleansing my soul.

I've realized that I am divided and not giving everything to God. I realized it this morning when I was an hour and a half early for church because I set my clock forward AFTER it had already changed on its own.
This is the verse that made me realize it...
" Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.-----Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do." James 1: 6b and 8

Ouch, doesn't that stink. Everything I do when I am divided is not going to work.

I feel much more organized now that I have a grid-paper mini-notebook. I also feel like I can have these great AH HA!! moments and not forget them because I write everything in it. Most of this post was already written in it. I think the only paper that should exist is gridded.

Another AH HA! moment today is that I miss being completely open, emotional, and vulnerable. I honestly believe that God created me that way for a reason, who am I to suppress something that He gave as a gift, that is often so hard for so many other people. I hope that my openness will help someone else, maybe they will realize that I struggle as a Christian, and its OK, but that I do have a super awesome God that is helping me out and is fighting for me 24/7. So if you've been around me lately realize I am going to be more myself, emotions and all.