Surrender

Last night I spent most of my time at 608 (our church's college worship service) crying. God showed me something yesterday that has taken me all night and all day today to kind of understand and I am now somewhat coming to terms with it.

SO...What is this revelation? Well first of all let me catch you up... I am an old person at heart. I long more than almost anything else to be married and have children. Anyone that knows me well knows this. Since I was very very little (like 5ish) I have wanted to be married with children. This is probably scary to many boys, well at least my dad tells me it is. Anyways...Most of my friends are now either married, engaged, or having a child. It is weird to me. I am so happy for all of them, but at the same time my heart aches. I want that so bad. And I totally know that God has super amazing plans for me in that way that I cannot even dream of, but it still pangs my heart with jealousy sometimes.

But as I sat in 608 and they played a video where a mother talked about placing her daughter, who had been diagnosed with cancer, into God's hands and completely trusting what HIS will was for her. I bawled. Then as we sang Lead Me to The Cross it hit me. I have to give it over to God, like really give it to him and trust whatever he has in mind. Even if I have to wait for years, I have to totally surrender my wants, dreams and wishes for that part of my life to God. He is the one that is going to make it super amazing, so what is the point in me trying to hold on to it? SO from now on I am going to seek to give that to God daily seeing as it is a struggle for me, it was the part of me that I withheld from him for so long and the part I hold closest to my heart. It truly is the deepest desire of my heart. I know that if I give it to God he will give me the deepest desires of my heart.

Also, my dad told me tonight that I am intimidating. I am the last person on earth that I would consider intimidating. I told a few friends and they agreed. I am baffled by this.