We all need a fresh start...and a little break

So I have been gone for a very long time. There has been a lot to happen over the past few months. I do not want you to feel that I am cold hearted or that I don't care about all that has happened, but the easiest way for me to catch everyone up is to quickly write out a list for you, so here goes:

Late Spring/Summer:

1. I went to a new Doctor in early April. She's awesome! Super compassionate and all around the kind of person you want being in charge of your care!!
2. Memorial Day weekend we found out my MamaToo (My Mom's Mom) had pancreatic cancer. :( They gave her less than 3 months to live.
3. We tried 3 types of medicine before the middle of June. Nothing helped.
4. In June we decided that I would have another surgery on July13th, to see what was going on inside.
5. I went to Falls Creek, an amazing church camp in Oklahoma, with my church out there. I was incredibly blessed to be able to go with them!
6. My sister and I had to leave Falls Creek early so we could be with our family, as my Grandmother was not doing well.
7. We frantically prepared for my cousin's wedding on June 26th, as we took turns caring for my Grandmother.
8. My boyfriend Ben came to visit the week of Carolyn's wedding, and was there for our anniversary.
9. July 5th, MamaToo went home to be with our Lord! She now stands before our Father praising His name!
10. Dad and I came home to get ready for my surgery and one of my bestest friends, Chelsea came to visit. She was able to stay with us for a week,and it was so fun to get to share some down time together before and after surgery.
11. July 13th, Surgery Day. We found out even though I was on Birth Control and other things to control my hormones, I had in less than 6 months grown from no endometriosis to stage III/IV. THAT'S HUGE!! And I had a lot of cysts and adhesions -> another source of pain!! My awesome Dr. removed all that she could see.
12. 1 week later I started Lupron shots to kill all the Endo. that we could not see. (It kind a grows like weeds do, big on top and lots of little veiny things in the tissue.)
13. Mid August, Ben and I broke up. I loved him and he loved me. But we agreed that we just were not what each of us needed right now.
14. School started and life has been crazy!
15. I got my 2nd Lupron shot, and had been hurting for a few weeks. Unfortunately it seems that my shots are no longer working with my body. In January we will go back to figuring something out to help.

So the big news now. I'm applying for Graduate School. I'm applying to : The University of Oklahoma-Tulsa, The University of Georgia, Washburn University, The University of Tennessee, and The University of Washington-Seattle. I'm pretty excited about it.

So to fill you in on where this blog is going, as it hasn't been anything more than venting previously, I am going to be sharing what I learn as I look into going Gluten Free, Crafts, and sharing some things from other fellow Bloggers that I love! I hope you enjoy and I'm excited to share my life with you!!

I'm incredibly blessed!!

If you haven't read my past few posts, please read them before finishing this post...... or you might get a little lost.

Well I went back to the doctor Tuesday. And guess what. I'm still not better, and I could have told you that without going to the doctor. My pain is the same as it was before surgery. I'm now on all kinds of meds. My doctor said that he wants to start me on Lupron shot therapy, which would basically put me into medical menopause for 6 months or so. I go back on the 7th of April for a second opinion, but we're pretty sure that this is our only option at this point.

So, due to all of this I have had to withdraw from school because I was missing so much. I also had to withdraw from the program that has been paying my tuition. I am moving back home to live with my parents until August. I will hopefully then go on to Austin Peay State University (where my sister goes to school) and finish school.

Also, Ben was in TN with me this week. We drove back to Owasso yesterday with my parents. Our plans for the week were completely derailed since he got very sick with the stomach virus that was going through his family. We basically both slept and laid around the whole week. We were quite a pair.

However, even with all of this going on I am so blessed. I have been so lucky to have amazing parents that want to help me with whatever I am going through in life, no matter what it means for them. They are also amazing encouragers and have been one of my main support systems through this all.

I have also been blessed to have friends who have been through this before. These wonderful Christian women have been such a blessing and encouragement to me. Sometimes you just need to hear things from someone who knows exactly how you're feeling and thinking.

Answers

Ok so Wednesday night I started hurting pretty bad. I thought, well this makes me feel like I really do need the surgery. At 5:00am Thursday morning I was still hurting so bad, the only thing that I know to compare it to is having contractions, because it came in waves like that. So at 5:45 I called my friend Laura, who was so wonderful and took me to the ER. After a few hours of tests we finally found out what was causing that pain. I had a large cyst that ruptured, all of that fluid was trapped and hurting me. They told me that I needed to come back Friday as scheduled for surgery to make sure that it all got taken care of.

So, Friday comes. I went into surgery at about 9:30am, and it took about an hour. So now we know what is going on with me. I was diagnosed with stage 2 Endometriosis. They were able to remove all of it, which is so exciting. We're hoping it doesn't come back. They also decided that they're going to change my medicine to see if it helps.

Challenges

Well, the past few days have been pretty hard. I went to the doctor on Monday, knowing that I was going to be told that I needed surgery for Endometriosis. What I was not expecting however, was to be told that I needed to have surgery ASAP. Well, ASAP means this coming Friday, Feb. 26th.

To be completely honest I am a little scared for what this surgery will mean. There are many things that can happen. Unfortunately there isn't really any way for us to know exactly what is going on until Friday after the surgery.

Most people don't know what Endometriosis really is. And I don't know really how to explain it to people either. But I can tell you that you probably know more than one woman who has it. It hurts, and in more ways than just physically. It's sometimes hard to sit through classes, to eat, even to sleep. It can cause problems with fertility and even some other health issues. For me the emotional pain is the worst of anything that I could endure, not knowing what is going to happen, but knowing all of the possibilities. The uncertainty is insane to me.

I know that I should trust God to help me get through this, and believe me I know that He will. But sometimes you want answers, and want to be able to share with others your true feelings about everything without being judged or told that things will be "fine." I know that people don't know what to say, and I don't blame them. This is a complex and sensitive issue. It is very hard for me to explain to friends and family members how I feel about this, and about what I'm thinking and feeling. So I'm writing. I'm scared, really scared. I cry a lot. And I know that this whole thing is really hard on Ben, when we talk I can tell that it is hard for him to not be able to do anything to help me. I just try not to cry anymore, because it's hard on everyone that I know. Sometimes you just have to "pull yourself up by your own boot-straps" and go on.

Reality (C.S. Lewis)

Ok I don't have much to say about this, because I truly think that C.S. Lewis says it best.

"Besides being complicated, reality, in my experience, is usually odd. It is not neat, not obvious, not what you expect. For instance, when you have grasped that the earth and the othe planets all go round the sun, you would naturally expect that all teh planets were made to match -- all at equal distances from each other, say, or distances that regularly increased, or all the same size, or else getting bigger or smaller as you go further from the sun. In fact, you find no rhyme or reason (that we can see) about either their sizes or the distances; and some of them have one moon, one has four, one has two, some have none, and one has a ring.
Reality, in fact, is usually something you could not have guessed. That is one of the reasons I believe Christianity. It is a religion you could not have guessed. If it offered us just the kind of universe we had always expected, I should feel we were making it up. But, in fact, it is not the sort of thing anyone would have made up. It has just that queer twist about it that real things have."
---C.S. Lewis from Mere Christianity

Christianity is hard to wrap our heads around, but then again so are many other real things. The human body and development, the solar system, the weather; all real and yet somewhat mysterious.

My Daddy is AMAZING!!!

So I had a heart-to-heart with my father tonight. Let me tell you, my father shows me Jesus possibly more than any other person I know. For me I have been blessed to truly see the parallel between my earthly father and my heavenly Father. I had been withholding information from my earthly father for more than a year, and tonight when I told him instead of fear or any ounce of anger, my father responded in sorrow and compassion. Even though he is hundreds of miles away, he wrapped me up in his words. The best part was he said, "Julia, no matter what you do, or how many mistakes you make, I will always love you. My love for you is unconditional. I will always be on your side, no matter what."

I am blessed to have such a wonderful Daddy.

Also in my core group tonight we kind of just let out what was going on in our lives, and it was emotional and encouraging. So here's a paraphrase of what Laura (our leader) said tonight. (plus some of my thoughts)

Accountability isn't always calling each other out on our sins or just using words to encourage in our struggles. (While that is appropriate sometimes) It is also about holding one another, and saying "I'm here and I will hold your hand and go before the Throne of the Lord with you, even if you can't walk there yourself, I will help you." And then wrestling in prayer with and for that person.

Slap in the face

Today I went to a new church, while this will not be my new church home, God did take this opportunity to slap me in the face with some truth. Sometimes you try to deny things God is saying to you, but he finds just the way to hit your heart.

Today's message was about trust. Yep, I don't do that well. To be honest there are very few people in my life that I 100% trust without even a second thought. I know they will always be there and I never question that. I try to be an open book for every person I know, but I don't always trust people to have my interests/feelings/life in mind of their actions and words.

I know that God is there, and that He always has my best interest in mind. He wants to protect my heart, my mind, and every other part of me. He is a jealous God who want's my attention. I have not been giving Him that.

If I am going to ask others to keep me in mind I must not only think of them, but I need to have my heart, mind, and eyes set on Christ before I can effectively serve others.